Steven Segal

I keep seeing ads for some new show with Steven Segal.

I wasn't sure who it was at first. I just saw this big chubby guy squashed into a bulletproof vest, talking about how there was a new sheriff in town. Really? Looks like a new dork in town, for sure, but The Law?

Has anyone told him he isn't a cop, though he may have played one on TV? And what's with a sheriff designation? Isn't that one of those things you see in movies where, as the bullets are flying and everyone else is dead, someone can wave a gun over your head and say "I declare you a sheriff?" I think so. But it always holds as much water for me as a ship's captain marrying someone. I mean, yeah, maybe it's real, but mostly it isn't. And if you were married by a ship's captain, or anyone who has their marrying allower clipped from a box of Rice Krispies, well, guess what? You're free to go. It was just pretend.

Anyway. I'm watching ads for this idiot, and all I can think is 'I bet they had to put extenders into that bulletproof vest'. Like seatbelt extenders. But if you need a seatbelt extender, it's only so you can be safe as you sit there. But I expect a cop to be able to run more than 3 feet before collapsing in a heap of sweat and gasping words. "G-g-g-g-g-g-ooooo g-g-g-g-g-et that cr-r-r-r-r-rook" he will say to his partner. And his partner will look down and say "but shouldn't I help you first? Your ankle is caught in the cruiser's wheel well".

Remember his acting career? All those movies where he had a ponytail, where he was apparently stashing his talent, and then when he started to do lousy box office, there was a whole 'they're out to kill me' thing with martial artists and warlords and organized crime and whatever else he could imagine up? Remember all that intensity when he'd look directly into the camera, and say something like "for that my grasshopper, you shall pay the premium price of me ripping out your still beating heart with my iron hands'. Or maybe that was Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse.

He used to be married to Kelly LeBrock, who turned up on a cooking show in the U.K. recently. She still looks like she has an inner tube on her face, but mostly you just watch and think, "hey, wasn't she married to that weird goof with the ponytail?". It's kinda bad when you look at him and think, "hey, wasn't he married to that woman with the inner tube on her face?"

I'm sure I won't be watching the show. It looks stupid as hell. And I don't think sheriffs get to shoot people, though I could have my Hollywood knowledge all messed up. And the only part of Steven Segal a crook couldn't outrun would be a bullet, I'm guessing. Unless he still has a ponytail and is going to yank it off and throw it at people. The other thing he has to remember is that nobody knows who he is, so even being scared of his reputation isn't going to be working for him. "Who's that fat guy calling me a dirtball?" you will hear the dirtball say out loud.